


Won't Say I'm In Love

by Kestrealbird



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Bittersweet, Implied Sexual Content, Insecurity, Jigen Feels, Jigen pining for Goemon and Lupin, Multi, Mutual Pining, Sibling Love, at least not for Jigen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 12:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16063376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kestrealbird/pseuds/Kestrealbird
Summary: Jigen sees the way that Goemon and Lupin pine for each other - for him - and starts pushing them together, dropping hints and leaving them on their own a little longer each time. Maybe, if they have each other, they’ll forget all about him, and he can finally ignore the hope in his chest.





	Won't Say I'm In Love

**Author's Note:**

> SNAPS FINGERS
> 
> YOU EVER JUST WANT TO WRITE ANGST AND DESTROY YOURSELF!? I've been working on this for, er, a while now and I want to apologize for how bittersweet this is :')

Jigen Daisuke is many things. Sarcastic, superstitious, an arsehole. Oblivious isn’t one of them. 

As much as he claims to the contrary, he doesn't actually hate Fujiko. Not really. He hates the memories her actions resurface; of past betrayals and failed loves that have left him cynical and scarred. He doesn't love her - not the way that Lupin does (and, later, Goemon) but he wouldn’t leave her for dead. Life wouldn’t turn the same without her.

What Lupin and Fujiko have is far from perfect; it’s dysfunctional in every sense of the word, but they’re perfect for  _ each other, _ and that’s really all they need. They’re not “exclusive” by any means and it’s perfectly normal for them to mess around with other people. Jigen had entertained the thought of what it might be like to see them settled down in a quiet, normal life once. The idea makes him laugh so hard that he pulls a muscle in his side that leaves him lying on the floor in pain. 

A quiet, exclusive life would never suit them. It’d suffocate them more than anything and turn them certifiably mad. 

Lupin and Fujiko pretend to never think of such things, but Jigen has seen the “what if’s” in their eyes when they think that no-one's looking. Sometimes, on the rare occasion that he’s left alone with her, Jigen will overhear Fujiko muttering to herself about starting a family with Lupin. More often than not she ends up scoffing at the thought and busies herself with something else. He never calls her out on it. He knows that she’s thankful for that.

Jigen has had open relationships before. Not many, but he’s had them. It’s a little surprising, though, when Lupin starts looking at him in a certain way. It’s not that he doesn't  _ know _ about Lupin’s bisexuality, it’s just. Well, it’s been a while since anyone has desired Jigen for more than his skills with a gun.

It makes sense, the more he thinks about it. Lupin’s type tends to mostly be the ‘please kick my ass’ category and they both know that Jigen can - and  _ will  _ \- pin him down and hold him there. 

It starts off as something physical; something simple and easy to explain. It’s nothing more than a curiosity on Lupin’s part - a fleeting flight of fancy - and Jigen is curious to see if he’ll ever act on it. The lingering touches and teasing questions are clearly a way to gauge his interest, to see if Lupin’s advances would ruin what they have or not. Jigen has a lot of experience with people coming onto him. Lupin isn’t the most obvious of them, but he’s certainly not subtle about it, no matter what he might convince himself. 

(Fujiko shares a private, knowing look with him the first time she sees what Lupin’s doing. It becomes a private joke between them; a roll of the eyes and an unimpressed, bemused, smile. If Lupin catches on to them, he never lets it show.)

Jigen isn’t surprised when Lupin takes him out drinking and specifies that they both need to wear something less formal than suits and ties. The fact that Lupin thinks he’s capable of being  _ subtle _ about sex is laughable, but Jigen, bemused by this, allows himself to be lead.

He doesn't drink nearly as much as Lupin clearly thinks he does. Enough for a pleasant buzz, maybe, but not enough to cloud his judgement in case they get jumped by someone. Lupin has a history for it. Normally tied to Fujiko, somehow, but that’s beside the point.

Stumbling back to their hotel room, Lupin singing at the top of his lungs and Jigen supporting his friends somewhat drunken weight, he can’t help but tease Lupin, just a little, with the way their hips bump and shoulders brush. The sound that Lupin makes when his breath ghosts Lupin’s ear is all Jigen  _ needs  _ to know that his friend’s patience has finally worn thin. 

Jigen pins him up against the wall before Lupin can think to try something himself and he feels a spike of pride at how easily Lupin melts into him, clearly not at all opposed to Jigen taking the lead. 

Whether it’s because of the alcohol or his own personal preference Jigen doesn't know, but he’s not about to look a gift horse in the mouth either.

There are two things Lupin doesn’t manage to do that night: take off Jigen’s hat and keep him in bed for the afterglow. Both of those things are too personal to Jigen for something like a one-night stand, but he appreciates Lupin’s offer all the same. 

“You,” Lupin growls at him the next morning, limping into the kitchen, “are a goddamn  _ liar _ .”

Jigen smirks from behind his newspaper, feet propped up on the table. “I never lied about being a virgin, Lupin. You made those assumptions on your own.”

“You could’ve corrected me!”

“And ruin the surprise?” He teases. “Nah. I’m good, thanks.”

Lupin tries very hard to huffily storm past Jigen with his plate of toast, but the towel around his waist gets caught on the doorframe and he spends a good five minutes wrestling with it and trying not to lose his breakfast to gravity.

Jigen, naturally, refuses to offer any help.

~~~

Their activity seems to settle something inside of Lupin; where before he kept some sort of distance between them, now it’s as if personal boundaries simply no longer exist and it takes Jigen a while to stop tensing up whenever Lupin drapes himself over his shoulders or uses his lap as a pillow when they’re watching a movie. 

(It takes even longer for him to stop reaching for his gun whenever Lupin jumps onto his back for a hug. Lupin takes no offense and the danger seems to excite and propel him even further. “Thrill seeker,” Jigen tells him. Lupin smiles and doesn't deny the claim.)

Jigen had brought it up to him, once, asking why personal boundaries have simply evaporated between them. “What’s the point of having a boundary after you’ve slept with someone? Can’t get any more personal than that right?” Lupin had grinned at him, laughing through his teeth and Jigen was surprised at himself for not expecting such an answer.

Snow White and The Seven Dwarves is their movie of choice this evening, because Lupin likes the songs and it was either this or one of his Drama’s that bore Jigen half to death. One of Jigen’s legs is crossed beneath himself and Lupin is stretched out on the sofa, head pillowed on Jigen’s knee, eyes fluttering with sleep. 

Jigen toys with the hairs at the base of Lupin’s neck, hardly paying attention to the movie on the screen. His left shoulder aches where he got shot earlier that day. His heart picks up a more rapid pace when he thinks back to how easily Lupin had abandoned the treasure to save  _ him _ . Huffing at his own predictable emotions, Jigen turns his attention back to the movie just in time to see Snow White eat the poisoned apple and collapse onto the floor. 

“I always thought it was kinda fucked up that the Prince, whose only met her  _ once _ , kisses her when he thinks she’s just a corpse.” Jigen blinks, looking down at Lupin with disbelief.

“Did you really just spoil the ending again?” 

Lupin giggles, turning over in Jigen’s lap so he can try and look at his eyes from under the brim of Jigen’s hat. He fails, of course, forgetting that Jigen also has a fringe. “Is it really a spoiler if we’ve seen the film thirty times before?” 

He has a point, Jigen supposes. “Thirty is a generous number,” he says, instead of letting Lupin get a point over him.

“I’m not that obsessed with his film, you know,” Lupin pouts.

Jigen tilts his head, just a little. “No,” he agrees, “but Fujiko is.” Lupin opens his mouth to protest the statement, realizes that he can't, and hides his face in Jigen’s stomach, sulking.

Jigen tenses from the contact out of instinct. Lupin doesn't mind all that much.

He’s just a job, Jigen reminds himself, nothing more than a new way to experience life, no matter what his dumb emotions might want otherwise. “Try not to get shot again, okay?” Lupin mumbles. His voice is low - quiet and vulnerable. The sudden shift in tone would normally give a person whiplash, but Jigen has long since gotten used to how quickly Lupin switches from one conversation to the next. 

“Would you miss me?” He teases, a familiar cat-like smile on his lips. Lupin’s silence becomes concerning, hinting at something more than what Jigen can handle. “...Lupin?”

Jigen freezes in place as Lupin heaves himself up, straddling Jigen’s lap and moving his hair back to stare him in the face. “Yes,” he says, voice too soft and personal and  _ attached. _ Jigen swallows, hard, and makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat. He feels cornered. Lupin drops his head onto Jigen’s shoulder, exhaling on a shaky sigh. “You’re pretty irreplaceable you know,” he whispers, “so don't go dying on me just yet, alright?”

Jigen isn’t oblivious. He recognizes the tone of Lupin’s voice, the  _ look _ in Lupin’s eyes and prays that it’s just a crush. Prays that whatever feelings Lupin has for him will fade. He knows they won't. Fujiko is a testament to that. 

Jigen swallows the crack in his voice, tentatively placing his hands on Lupin’s back, and says, “I’ll try not to.” The answer is enough for Lupin. Jigen can't say if it’s enough for himself.

~~~

Goemon doesn't so much walk into their lives as he does sneak past their guard and then fall through the roof right into Lupin’s lap. Jigen kind of wishes that it was only figurative, but no, it isn’t and Lupin has absolutely never let Goemon live it down. 

It’s not like they weren’t friends before it’s just that Goemon, much like Fujiko, used to come and go as he pleased; a permanent presence in their lives but not really a permanent occupant of their home. That all changes one cold Thursday night when he falls through their cabin roof, disgruntled, and straight onto Lupin’s lap, effectively knocking them both over. 

He glares up at the ceiling, only moving (and with no short amount of embarrassment) when Lupin wheezes from beneath him. It takes a while for him to tell them why he was up there. Eventually Jigen manages to get him to mumble that he was chasing a squirrel for Fujiko because it had stolen something important of hers (a very expensive bra with a secret etched into its seams, they later find out) and after that he just. Doesn't leave.

At first Goemon stays just to catch the squirrel and then Lupin finds another reason for him to stick around afterwards, and when that reason becomes stale and Goemon tries to leave another one conveniently pops up, rinse and repeat for the next two years and by the time Jigen has figured out that Lupin might have a more personal reason for keeping Goemon around, well. He’s already moved in with them and that's that, really. 

Goemon still leaves for indefinite periods of time, of course, because he can’t stay settled in one place for too long before he starts getting restless and needs his own space, but he always comes back. His first excuse for returning is that he brought them trinkets - food, usually - and he had to make sure they got them in one piece. The second excuse is that he ‘accidentally’ took something of theirs with him and needed to return it. The third falls flat on his tongue and he never gets to say it before Lupin ushers him in with the same sparkle in his eye that Jigen sees directed at himself and Fujiko.

It’s not much of a surprise though. Lupin has been whining about Goemon’s ‘lone wolf trips’ ever since the time that Goemon - disguised as an officer - had to manhandle Lupin for a job to make things look convincing. Jigen had smiled very obviously down at Lupin’s crotch, snickering at the flush that spread up his friend’s neck. The weighted pillow Lupin had thrown at him a day later had almost been worth it. Almost, because he’s pretty sure it cracked something in his neck.

The feeling of someone watching his back makes Jigen frown, brows furrowing. Years of having to look out for himself have made him particularly sensitive to being watched and this isn’t the first time that Goemon has pined for him from afar. Goemon is far more subtle about it then Lupin, that's for sure, and his most tell tale sign is the blush that stains his cheeks and stumble on his words when he thinks he’s been caught.

He leans a little too much into their touches - their  _ space _ \- to be normal.  _ Maybe he’s touch-starved, _ Jigen had thought, right up until he’d seen the absolute love in Goemon’s eyes as Lupin and Fujiko took turns braiding his hair, bickering over who got to use the ribbons. 

Jigen turns around to return his stare. Goemon freezes into place like a deer caught in the headlights, his face trying to flush red and lose all colour at the same time. Jigen almost calls him out on it. Instead he says, “want to help?” and nods at the chopping board.  _ Coward, _ his mind hisses.

Goemon, relieved, moves into the kitchen and starts chopping carrots the way Jigen instructs him. He stands just close enough that their arms brush everytime they move. Jigen stamps down on the fluttering in his stomach and says nothing.

(Goemon trusts them so easily. Jigen remembers what that’s like; trusting someone you love not to hurt you, in the end, with all they know about you. He can't make himself that vulnerable again. Not to these people. He doesn't think he’d be able to survive it if he did.)

~~~

Goemon kisses him, once, when they’re both more drunk then they probably should be, all inhibitions lost to the wind. Jigen isn’t ashamed to say that he kisses back, enjoying the innocence of it all. In the morning, when Goemon, chastised by his actions, tries to apologize for it, Jigen lets him off easy and blames it on the alcohol. “It happens,” he says, forcing a smile to ease Goemon’s worries, “no harm done. Just ask Lupin,” and leaves it at that.

Jigen can hear the two of them whispering about it, later, in the room next to his own. He turns up his music to drown them out and takes out one of the heavy fags he’d stolen from Zenigata’s pockets a couple days prior.

He thinks back to the feeling of Goemon’s head, heavy on his shoulder, and what it felt like to massage his friend’s hangover away. Thinks back to all the times that Lupin has abandoned a treasure because Jigen’s injuries were always more important, no matter how minor they appeared.

Jigen takes another drag from the cigarette between his lips and doesn't bother opening a window.

~~~

The cafe is hidden in a corner of one of the back alleys in Greece; a quaint, quiet little place with good coffee and a nice view of the architecture. He had to climb two flights of narrow stairs to find it, because Amèlie can never just pick a normal place to eat. She likes the obscure and the less well-known. Little pockets of fantasy that she can keep to herself.

Jigen taps his fingers against the wood of the table. Reserved, of course, because his sister likes to show-off, just a little. Amèlie, picture of punctuality that she is, slides into her seat thirty minutes late, her floppy brimmed fedora pulled back enough so that Jigen can look into her eye. The other one is hidden behind her fringe, despite her attempts to pin it back with small butterfly clips. Jigen is 80 percent sure that she stole them from Fujiko.

They haven't seen each other for five years. That's a standard, when you can’t put each other at risk by letting people know that you’re related. Amèlie would lose her job as a reporter at best, and some of Jigen’s enemies might try to kill her at worst. He has no doubts that she could take care of herself, if only her mouth knew when to shut up. Her words get her into more trouble than her actions most of the time.

Amèlie orders herself a pumpkin latte and skips straight to dessert - a custard Bougatsa, because she doesn't have to worry about cavities, only headaches. “So -” she stabs one of his meatballs with a fork, pops it in her mouth without asking first - “your friends seem nice.”

The rasp in her voice is heavy, today, probably because she was scoping out a drug ring this morning and got some of the stuff stuck in her throat. She’s wearing eyeshadow to try and cover the bags under eyes. She’s only partially succeeded. 

Jigen doesn't need to pretend around her - Amèlie has been there through all his past breakups and hurts; she knows what he’s feeling better than anyone. There’s a reason she called him all the way out here after all.

Jigen hums his agreement, batting away her fork when she tries to take another meatball from his plate. “They’re...domestic,” he tells her. Amèlie can tell how loaded that admission is, clearly taken by surprise. To anyone else it would seem like a vague, simple answer but Amèlie  _ knows _ him and can read between the lines. They’re  _ home  _ and  _ safety _ . They’re the thrill of the chase and the blood rushing in his ears. They’re his thumb on the trigger, always ready to shoot first and ask questions later.

Fujiko isn’t exempt from that.

Amèlie’s eyes are sad, torn between wanting him to be happy and wanting to shield him from getting hurt. She leans across the table, pushing their food to one side, flicks his fedora up and parts his hair so he can look him in the eyes. “Would you live for them?” she whispers but her eyes ask him, “do you love them?”

“Yes,” he replies, for the first. For the second, he squeezes her hand and knocks their foreheads together. Amèlie understands. She always does. Maybe it’s because they’re twins. Jigen doesn't know. He’s relieved all the same.

Amèlie sits back down in her chair, the smile of a cat on her lips. “At least your taste has improved,” she says. The laugh lines around her mouth are getting more pronounced these days. “Compared to - oh what was his name? Meth? Math?”

“Mash,” Jigen corrects, already regretting where this is going.

Amèlie grins. “Yeah him! Monkey face -”

“ - Lupin -”

“ - is a definite improvement.” She pauses, considering. “Especially face wise.”

Jigen, feeling the need to defend himself, blurts out, “Mash used to be cute.”

Amèlie sips her latte. The deadpan look she levels at him is like looking into a mirror. “Before or after he went nuts?”

“...”

Another pointed sip.

“Anyway.”

“That’s what I thought.”

~~~

Jigen sees the way that Goemon and Lupin pine for each other - for him - and starts pushing them together, dropping hints and leaving them on their own a little longer each time. Maybe, if they have each other, they’ll forget all about him, and he can finally ignore the hope in his chest.

(It works for all of a month before the pining comes back tenfold. The casual touches become more frequent, his personal space lessening every week. He doesn't tell them to stop. He knows that he probably should.)

~~~

Goemon walks into their home, arm-in-arm with Fujiko, and it’s obvious by the red stain on the corner of his mouth and the stride in Fujiko’s step that they’ve finally taken that leap together. Lupin’s grin is infectious and he tackles Goemon onto the couch, giggling all the while. 

They’re too busy scuffing to hear Jigen’s quiet, “I’m happy for you,” directed at Fujiko. She stares at him for a few moments, shocked, maybe, and very relieved. “Thank you,” she doesn't say. The grin Fujiko gives him - the goofy one that splits her face and crinkles her nose - is all the thanks he needs.

Jigen turns his head away from the three of them. They don't see the pursing of his lips; the tension in his shoulders. His mind hisses “ _ coward” _ and his heart squeezes so hard in his chest Jigen thinks it might be trying to crush itself. There’s no reason to be jealous of Fujiko. He did this to himself. He’ll live with it, even it if hurts everyday to see them.

~~ It wouldn’t be the first time. ~~

~~~

“If you love them,” Zenigata tells him one day, “then maybe it’s time you stopped running.”

Jigen looks down at his hands - handcuffed, of course, because he’s  _ technically _ on his way to prison, though they both know he probably won't end up getting there - and presses his lips into a thin, hard line. It’s smart of Pops, he thinks, to have him sitting in the front, because now he can’t hide his face. Now he can’t run from the truth of it all. Jigen can deal with a lot of Zenigata’s quirks and traits, but times like this, when Zenigata sees through him as if he were a glass window and calls him out on all his lies and bullshit? That’s harder to swallow. Especially now.

“What do you want me to do?” Jigen asks, his voice so soft that it almost sounds like a threat. Zenigata’s eyes do not leave the road, yet Jigen still feels as if they’re boring into his soul.  _ Hurry the fuck up, _ he thinks,  _ I don't want to deal with this anymore. _ “Do you want me to tell them that I’ve known this whole time? That I’ve been  _ lying _ to them because I’m a coward who keeps running?”

He won't. Jigen would sooner let his eyes be lost then tell them the truth. Zenigata is quiet for a few moments, his fingers drumming a rhythm on the steering wheel. A habit he’s picked up from Lupin, no doubt. “I never said you were a coward, Jigen.” This time, Zenigata  _ does  _ look at him and Jigen’s breath nearly hitches at the pain and sympathy and understanding he sees in Zenigata’s eyes.

Of course. Jigen isn’t the only one who's been keeping secrets. He lets himself laugh, just a little, and it’s a watery crack in his throat. “Running doesn't mean you’re a coward,” Zenigata continues, voice gruff and soft at the same time. “Just means that you’re protecting yourself. There’s no shame in that.”

Quiet descends on them again. Zenigata grips the steering wheel even tighter, contemplating whether he should speed up or slow down. Goemon makes the decision for him by slicing the van in two, and Jigen slips out of his handcuffs, allowing himself to get caught up in the familiar thrill of the chase. 

Lupin’s driving is as reckless as ever, and he almost crashes the car in his glee when Jigen flashes the disk he took from Zenigata’s coat. Goemon’s eyes on him are too soft, too personal and obvious, and Lupin’s fingers linger when he lets Jigen out of his one-armed hug. 

Jigen stamps down the hopeful flutter of his heart. Nothing has changed, he tells himself, and nothing ever will.

**Author's Note:**

> what up I have a [twitter](http://twitter.com/teatitty)


End file.
